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Are You A Fop?

Are you STYLISH enough, are you CHARMING enough to be a Fop? Find out now by taking this quick multiple-choice test!

1.) Your hair is:
You mean the stuff on my back?
"Wash and go."
Pampered worse than an in-bred lap dog.
Women plot my demise out of abject envy.

2.) When you first heard about this test, you:
started humming "I'm too sexy".
thought "Hey, I know the sharp end of a rapier and can match an outfit."
composed a new suggestive sonnet to a passing maiden and added three more feet of lace to your ensemble while blinding passers-by with the sparkle of your new gem worked rapier hilt.
turned up your nose at the King's new regalia.... God's teeth, those seed pearls are SO fourteenth century.

3.) You are spending an evening with Ladies of distinction. How do you pass the time?
Challenging the women to a wine chugging contest followed by limericks.
Poetry followed by a rousing game of "strip badminton".
Stylish hors d'oeuvres, rare vintages, rarer wit.
Character assassination of that foolish courtier who dared to let his unworthy personage contact your new small cape hand-woven by blind, virgin nuns from Madagascar.

4.) Someone calls you out. How do you react?
Leave town.
Knee him in the codpiece and kick him in the head until senseless.
Kill him.
Mock him until he is a sodden wisp of a man, too ashamed at his effrontery to do more than mewl like a newborn.

5.) What is your hardest chore?
Finding a good rhyme for "Glasgow".
Fighting off droves of people who keep mistaking you for a handkerchief.
Looking comfortable and at ease under twenty-odd layers of silks, velvets, satins, and lace with the noon-day sun bearing down.
Getting your blood to the proper point of freezing so you ARE comfortable and at ease under twenty-odd layers of silks, velvets, satins, and lace with the noon-day sun bearing down--mustn't perspire even a know how raw silk is...

6.) How do you like to bathe?
Swimming in a handy lake or pond.
A good hot tub liberally treated with rose or violet water.
Imported spring water heated in a copper kettle to three degrees above body temperature, poured into an oaken tub sanded to petal-smoothness, an assortment of the very best fragrances, and a winsome maiden to scrub the hard-to-reach areas.

7.) What is your favorite hobby?
Reading books, playing an instrument.
Court intrigue.
Collecting things: courtesans from Venice, silks from Constantinople, Ladies from England, fine art from Amsterdam, Contessas from Spain, wine from Portugal, lace from France...

8.) You view a documentary on "Fashion in the early Renaissance". You:
Go to the library or search the Web for more information on that era.
Daydream nostalgically about "the good old days".
Immediately begin planning a new, stunning wardrobe to show those upstart puppies the real meaning of "Fashion".
Mentally mark that you already have every outfit the narrator mentions, but on you, they are works of art.

9.) How big is your wardrobe?
Can you consider a couple shirts a wardrobe?
A small chest's worth
Only 2 or 3 small closets
"I asked my valet to retrieve my sapphire tags a month ago, he hasn't emerged since."

10.) You go slumming in a tavern and drink some ale. When do you think you have drunk enough?
When my companion is out of money.
After the brawl, before the guard arrives.
After the fifth duel over which of the peasants is most revolting.
When you started the evening in Lisbon only to wake up in Calais.

11.) You are invited to the palace to attend a ball. How do you arrive?
On foot with an open bottle in your fist as the servants are setting up so you can stake out the good booze.
Upon a stallion with a flawless parade prance.
Fashionably late in a carriage, escorting the chaste, eldest daughter of the wealthiest family in the area, whom you have been tutoring in etiquette.
Regaling Her Majesty with a humorous anecdote from your latest trip abroad.

12.) What is the best thing about women?
They kick less than sheep.
They smell good.
They are the finest work of creation, temperate, graceful, lovely.
They are the ultimate fashion accessory.

13.) What would you bring to a duel?
All my friends, a case of swords, a breast plate and a priest.
My second, a sword, and a buckler.
My valet, my second, my weapons, and a surgeon for my opponent.
My rapier, my second, a case of champagne and my tailor.

14.) What is the finest fragrance?
Sweat and yesterday's wine.
Rose or violet water.
The scent of a woman's skin.

15.) How important is style?
And how important is air?
"Are you implying that I might lack style? Blasphemy! I demand satisfaction!"

-Geoffrey Luryd Fabritzio

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